i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
