He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
