You can't special order awesome
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
