my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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