drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
