the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
