Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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