Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
