Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
