You made me cry and you don't even care
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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