Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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