Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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