I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
