Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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