I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
