in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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