Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
