If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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