We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
