This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
