You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
