I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
