Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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