hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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