I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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