Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
