I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
