You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
