Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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