I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
