So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
