Im at strip club and am horny
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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