I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
