Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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