I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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