he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
