maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
