I love black thongs
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
