yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
