my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i dont even know how to be here
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
