It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize