Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
