Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
