Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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