In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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