Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
