Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
