The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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