There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
