He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
