Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
