just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
