She is in my trunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
