How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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