Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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