Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
