I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
