2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize