If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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