Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
