Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
